In the middle of December 2022, I decided to quit a newly acquired engineering job of 3 months and place myself on a "sabbatical" to focus on my mental health. I am not entirely sure how long this sabbatical will be, but I'm starting with an estimated 3 months.
Many people questioned this decision, which is perfectly reasonable considering my short tenure. I myself still question it. Did I make the decision in haste? Will being out of work for several months drop an atomic bomb on my previously successful engineering career? Will the current economic situation effect my ability to re-enter the market when I am ready? What about my job gap? Will people think that I'm incapable, lazy, or entitled for taking this break when so many would do anything for the job that I threw away?
I've been working as a (self taught) web engineer for a little over 3 years. This is not a long time, although it's consisted almost entirely of fast paced work in small companies. Within the span of 3 years, I have worked full time for 4 companies. I was promoted to "mid-level" around the 2 year mark, and was in line to receive a promotion to "senior" towards the end of the 3rd (startups are a bit heavy handed with the "senior" role award, imo😅).
So, what went wrong? In short, I believe I burned out. On everything. Not just the act of writing code, but being a participant in corporate bureaucracy, late stage capitalism, SCRUM, deadlines, office politics, and the requirement to "always be learning". I began to hate every product I worked on. I was filled with a bitterness and exhaustion that did not fade even after my working day was over. In the morning I'd open my work laptop and cry out of frustration. Sunday nights were filled with dread.
While I am proud of my success, the pace at which I was advancing was unsustainable. I was constantly pushing myself to do more, and earn more. I accepted increased responsibilities when I knew that I could not manage them in a healthy way. I worked through holidays. I attended meetings on days that I had called in sick, and would participate in Slack correspondence from the beach during vacation with family. I was always thinking about work. In the shower, during dinner, before falling asleep, sometimes I'd encounter it in my dreams.
🔥 I once set an office microwave on fire after forgetting to add water to my instant mac and cheese, due to being so shrouded in my thoughts about a work task that I'd lost all sense of the present. Coworkers were not stoked about the smell.
I place the most blame for this experience on myself, I've been very lucky to have worked for companies that overall value WLB. I succumbed to the poison known as "hustle culture" when I could have done a better job establishing boundaries and realistic expectations. I'm exploring the reasons behind my inclination towards workaholism. I've so far boiled it down to a few possible culprits.
I'm self taught. I constantly feel that I need to prove that I am capable of doing the job.
I was recently diagnosed with OCD. I suspect that this has partly driven my tendency to overwork. It's not uncommon for me to review my own pull requests obsessively until I feel that they are perfect, which has led to exhaustion on more than one occasion.
I have fallen victim to consumerist habits, and a materialistic lifestyle. Lifestyle creep is a very real thing. I was once happy with less. I would thrift, buy store brand groceries, and eat out sparingly. Now, I live in a luxury apartment with an extra bathroom that I don't even use, buy my clothing new, and buy things when I'm unhappy and desire a dopamine boost (did I really need an embroidery machine?).
So… what now? I am still figuring things out. I am spending time practicing living more slowly, and living with less. Watching your savings drain slowly is an excellent way to introduce moderation back into your life. I'm slowly building up to coding for fun again (The "small web" has been super inspiring!). I'm reading for pleasure. I'm developing a more consistent exercise routine. I'm learning how to be content just existing. What is my purpose outside of writing software for SaaS companies? 🥴
What will make me happy? Is it working less? Working for ethical companies that produce ethical products? Non profits? How can I prepare myself to re-enter the market in a few months time truly refreshed and ready to set healthy boundaries? Is the software field where I'm supposed to be, or is there something else I'm destined for? I'm privileged enough to have a sizable chunk of time to strategize. And for that, I am thankful.